My room smells like vodka and shame
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
