on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
