I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Farmville is her only friend.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
