I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize