The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
