Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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