I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
