I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
