He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
