I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
