Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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