Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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