I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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