I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
