My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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