i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Randomize
