I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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