if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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