I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize