she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
