I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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