I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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