Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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