Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
