u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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