Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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