I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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