I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I came so hard my ears popped.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
