One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
