Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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