Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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