Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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