Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
