Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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