I met the friendliest cop last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
