who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Oh god it's open bar.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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