When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
