he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
