sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
