Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
