A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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