If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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