Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
pray to the hookup gods
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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