He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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