He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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