I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
