His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
