i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
