I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
zippers are such a cool invention
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she peed on how many people?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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