I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
