He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Randomize
