I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
