All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
