Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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