The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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