We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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