she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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