so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
