I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize