Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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