I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
