the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
