she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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