Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
