the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
